If you read  this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This  is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine

Dear  Diary,

For my birthday this year, I  purchased a week of personal  training at the local  health club.  Although I am still in great shape since being a  high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a  good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and  made my reservations with a personal trainer named

Christo, who identified himself as a  26-year-old aerobics  instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

Friends  seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged  me to keep  a diary to chart my  progress.

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MONDAY:

Started  my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth  it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He  is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a  dazzling white smile.  Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and  showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he  conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo  was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching  from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going  to be a FANTASTIC week!!

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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air  then he put weights on it!   My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full  mile.  His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!  It's a  whole new life for me.

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WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on  the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I  have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was OK as long as I didn't try  to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo  was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club  members. His voice is a  little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he  gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I  got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster.  Why the  hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered  obsolete by  elevators?  Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy  life.  He said some other **** too.

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THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as  his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help  being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He  took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and  hid in the restroom.  He sent some skinny ***** to find me.

Then, as  punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

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FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being  has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor.  If there was a part of  my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo  wanted me to work on my  triceps.  I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the  floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than  a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and  nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the  drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating,  shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his  voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I  lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching  eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today  so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray  that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a  root  canal or a hysterectomy.   I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled  the floor with diamonds!!!

THANK YOU Mary...what a great laugh!

So I got up Sunday morning dug that sleepy crust from the inside corner of my eyes (don't say eww, you do it too) and began plotting out my healthy day. Yes on my days off work I plan my day in my head (on work days I prepare the day and sometimes the week before). 

I plan what I'm going to do, what I'm going to eat, what type of exercise I'm going to accomplish, when I will do laundry, clean the toilet, wash the dishes (Usually wash dishes before the toilet). And then I get up and start.

So the plan was get out of bed at 8 and eat breakfast. Answer my emails til 9. Hit the treadmill and swim a few laps by 12. Have lunch and shower by 1. head to Wal-Mart to stock up on lunch for the week and get a new body pillow (Oh please, you know you hug your pillow). Back to the apartment, put things away and start cleaning by 3. Done cleaning by 5. Go have dinner and a "light" beer with a friend. Home and chillin on the couch by 8. In bed by 9. Yes I know I need to find a church. Been here 5 months haven’t gone once. But I'm forgiven!

I stuck to every promise I made myself that morning and never deviated from the master plan. Yeah right! Wanna buy a bridge?

Now let's get real.

I got up and played on the computer while eating my oatmeal til 10, stumbled to the treadmill and did 30 minutes of HRZT, jumped in the pool to cool off, went back home and answered a couple emails, showered, went to Wal-Mart (stopped at backyard Burger for chicken sandwich that I ate in the car), went and picked up a friend (its now 2 by the way), we went to Booyas and had the most amazing disgusting nachos ever invented, washed those suckers down with 2 glasses of cold Dos Equis , went riding around with the top off the Jeep (let he who is without sin cast the first stone) (side note to self and other bald men, wear sunscreen when wearing a visor hat with the top down in the Jeep), walked through a partially built 250k dollar house and what must have been a half million dollar model home outside of C Ville, dropped friend off so she could get to her meeting, then proceeded home. Once home I had 2 more Heinekens, some pretzels and peanuts then made my way to the freezer where I found the Coup De Graz, ice cream and redi whip.

Why am I telling you this?

Because you should know that just like you, I'm only human..

We are not robots and the more we expect from ourselves the more disappointed we will be when we don't live up to our own standards.

If you love chocolate and you refuse yourself that treat, what do you think about all day? Umm chocolate!! Duh..

So do not set your standards so high or hold yourself more accountable than you would your best friend.

If your friend was craving pizza what would you tell them?

You'd say with great compassion, have some pizza today and get back to your routine tomorrow (Don’t even lie. You know you would).

You see the more we restrict what we crave the more we crave it. It's human nature.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not telling you to gorge yourself and give up working out. I'm simply giving you back the power you took away from yourself when you started this healthy way of life.

We can not take life so serious that we can't enjoy being alive. That defeats the purpose of being alive in such a magnificent world.

Yes despite the trouble "man" has created, this is a beautiful world we all live in together.

Give your friends great advice and be compassionate about their needs. Give a lot of hugs (I like to hug. Anyone notice?) and support them no matter what their decisions (provided they're legal and somewhat moral).

And NEVER hold yourself to a higher standard.

After all we're only human. Thank God...

Oh, P.S. Even when you eat perfectly you still need to add a few things to your nutritional plan. Get a good food source multi vitamin to add back in to your diet what has been stripped away by herbicides and pesticides and over planting under nutriated (I made that word up. Means less than optimal nutrients) soils. Go to www.LifeTimeFitness.com and give your precious body a healthy dose of what it really craves; Men Click Here! Women Click Here! Chose "Shop with a trainer" on the left and enter 84178 in the Team Member Code box. You will reveive a 10% discount just for reading my blog.

Thank you.

Yours in Health,

Lance Owens

Time to get a rush on your fat loss program. Got your Polar heart rate monitor? Do you fully understand how to use it and what it can do for you? it is not just a cool time piece it is a running computer that can track and store all the workouts you do. It can contain all the workouts prescribes to train your body to burn fat efficiently.

you can log in to Polar for more instructions on using your Polar heart rate monitor.

Learn your monitor. know your Anaerobic threshold and what it means to fat loss.

Email me with specific questions.

Lance